In October, the CDC released a comprehensive study which highlighted differences between transgender and non-transgender (cisgender) high school students' mental health.
As a 45 year old trans woman living on TERF island, I have only the one close trans friend older than me, and have met very few others, although I know a couple dozen 20- and 30-somethings by name across different social circles, and have taught six trans boys and one girl (out in their teens) over the past decade.
I'm the only 40-something I know who doesn't have a drug problem. So that's my suggestion for where some of us may have gone. I'd be curious to know if this is as much a problem for my peers in the US.
I'm one of your trans GenX peers, and I'm grateful you wrote this. I transitioned 7 years ago at age 47, and I grapple with the loneliness you articulate so well. I also identify with feeling the weight of responsibility that comes with having a relatively large amount of privilege among my trans siblings, because I'm white, and also because I lived in the privilege of cis and straight identities for so long.
Your theories about where we all are (or have gone) make sense to me. I think another factor may be that for those of us who felt unable to transition for so long (or weren't even aware we could), there are layers upon layers of grief and related exhaustion over hiding (and splitting off from self) for so long. That grief/exhaustion can keep us mired in isolation or feeling like we just don't have it in us to be more visible.
Thanks again for speaking your truth - I feel sure it helps others to see themselves more clearly.
Allow me to give you one thing to think about. Yes, you have privilege for being white. But it's never a privilege to be in the closet. Privilege, definitionally, is something you get for free or that is unearned. Both of us have that for being white. Neither of us should be describing our time in the closet as being governed by privilege because there were significant costs.
Beginning my transition at age 55, I was out of the closet at I would say 90% until last week when I came out to my nearly 400 LinkedIn career colleagues, thus truly finishing my exit from the closet. I delayed a full reveal for so many of the reasons you have stated, not the least of which was career and therefore income security. For my last eight years, I was fortunate to work a hybrid mix of 20% in office and 80% from home. When I went into the office or to a job site, I dressed very carefully down into what I called “drab”. Still, I came across as what was once called a metrosexual sort of look.
I know that each of us only has an option to come out and be fully authentic at their own pace, and according to their own rules and risks. I know some in our community look down on me for how long I waited, but I think we should never judge one another, because each of us has completely unique circumstances. Some, like me, have great choices, while others have few to no choices. And too many of us end up dead, if I can be frank. Still, at the root of my divorce back in 2008-2009, I now realize most of the cause that finished a 29 year marriage was me being stuck in the closet and being so frustrated that I ultimately could not function as a supportive spouse and parent. I lost a lot because of this situation. Despite the fact that I had a fulfilling and well-paid succession of job positions, allowing me to retire at age 65, there were still great costs in other areas.
The last thing I want to say is how much I enjoyed your reference to the Indiana Jones scene where the leap of faith onto a previously unseen path, with the protagonist scattering stones over that path, so that others behind him could follow safely and with perhaps less fear and uncertainty, that was just great. I will think of that often and use it myself in references to others, who will follow me in my path.
Living authentically, yes, with the appropriate security levels, that each of us needs to survive, is the best, and where possible it is best shared.
One thing I have seen is that we never know who is watching and who can take value and support from the paths that we share.
As my dad used to say “Everybody’s somebody”. It is ironic then that he never knew he actually had a third daughter.
Hi Lauren, I'm glad you are able to be out, and that you are here. I'll say that whatever path a trans person takes, there's no reason for others to question it. Nine in ten in my generation aren't here, and there's fewer in your generation that have made it to where you are. Anyone looking down on you who is much younger doesn't know what folks your age had to put up with. For many of us, transitioning a lot earlier - 20 or more years - would have been impossible. Not hard, but literally impossible. You deserve grace for your journey and I'm glad you are here!
hi - i follow you here, and on other socials, and i want to let you know that you are not alone in your experience. i did not 'officially' come out until i was 50. i have older family members who are also trans as well.
i'm 52, so i've only been out and living my happiest life for a short time, but somehow i am considered a 'trans elder' by my younger trans/NB friends who have been out MUCH longer than i have (by dint of having more general life experience, i suppose?) they often come to me for advice and general support, which i am always happy to give.
i enjoy reading your articles, and seeing your posts on the other socials. you seem like an amazing person!
Age 47 here, sort of in coming-out process: Extremely valuable article. Another effect this has on the psychology of Gen X+ folks is the sense that to be trans you must currently be young and hip, or at least hip - using the latest terminology and slang, on the proper social media channels, aware of memes and pop culture trends. I was never the least bit hip or tuned in even when I was young. Everyone says the only way to survive is to "find community" and/or "build community," but I can't seem to qualify for community whether I show up as my agab or the alternative.
(Just to date/nerdify myself further: I think of it like the scene from the musical ANNIE where Mr. Warbucks is presented with Annie, an orphan, and responds "Don't be ridiculous. Orphans are boys, like Oliver Twist." In the same way, "Don't be ridiculous. Trans people are blue-haired 18-year-olds." (Nothing against blue-haired 18-year-olds; I'm simply not one and can't convincingly pretend to be one.))
Hi! I'm a 55 year old trans woman who started HRT last March and who first discovered i was trans after I turned 50.
Thank you so much for this essay. It really speaks to my own experience of self realization and still uncompleted coming out.
I believe it took me 50 years to embrace my transfers because I missed all the clues about who I truly am during my adolescence. When I think back on so many moments in my teens when I just plain felt out of step and wanted so badly to step out of my body, I didn't have any context for what I was truly experiencing.
Like you, this is why I'm so passionate about our need to support trans youth. They should be able to live their full lives. It pisdes me off that they are heing scapegoated and denied the same they need and deserve.
Thank you so much for the response. There's a lot here, but there are ways to find community. It does require being vulnerable, so be aware of that. I completely get it if you aren't in a place to be vulnerable. How I approach community is as a mosaic. There are too few people like me to have my community exclusively be a person like me. So different types of people fill different roles in my need for community. I never feel like there isn't someone in my network that I can go who will completely get it when I need support. With that said, I have had to build a literal web of people so that there is someone in my network who can fully understand the problem I'm looking at.
Thank you for this article. I attempted a medical transition in 1996, had to stop in 1998 and it haunts me to this day. I almost wish my egg hadn't cracked. Every day is like a weird disassociation.
I transitioned after retirement at 59 and a half, and now, at 62, I often find myself as the oldest member in our support groups. Our generation lacked positive representation, and we were acutely aware of the societal forces opposing our authentic selves. In many ways, we are survivors—literally. Some of us are military veterans receiving care through the VA, where support for transgender veterans is available. For instance, the VA has an LGBTQ+ Health Program dedicated to creating a welcoming environment and improving healthcare for all veterans, including transgender individuals. Additionally, organizations like the Transgender American Veterans Association (TAVA) offer resources and support for transgender veterans. It’s heartening to connect with others who share similar experiences, even if we are few in number.
As a 45 year old trans woman living on TERF island, I have only the one close trans friend older than me, and have met very few others, although I know a couple dozen 20- and 30-somethings by name across different social circles, and have taught six trans boys and one girl (out in their teens) over the past decade.
I'm the only 40-something I know who doesn't have a drug problem. So that's my suggestion for where some of us may have gone. I'd be curious to know if this is as much a problem for my peers in the US.
I do believe many trans folks self medicate.
I’m glad you’re here.
I'm one of your trans GenX peers, and I'm grateful you wrote this. I transitioned 7 years ago at age 47, and I grapple with the loneliness you articulate so well. I also identify with feeling the weight of responsibility that comes with having a relatively large amount of privilege among my trans siblings, because I'm white, and also because I lived in the privilege of cis and straight identities for so long.
Your theories about where we all are (or have gone) make sense to me. I think another factor may be that for those of us who felt unable to transition for so long (or weren't even aware we could), there are layers upon layers of grief and related exhaustion over hiding (and splitting off from self) for so long. That grief/exhaustion can keep us mired in isolation or feeling like we just don't have it in us to be more visible.
Thanks again for speaking your truth - I feel sure it helps others to see themselves more clearly.
Allow me to give you one thing to think about. Yes, you have privilege for being white. But it's never a privilege to be in the closet. Privilege, definitionally, is something you get for free or that is unearned. Both of us have that for being white. Neither of us should be describing our time in the closet as being governed by privilege because there were significant costs.
I take your point...spiritual and emotional bankruptcy was end result of the tradeoff I made.
Thank you for writing this outstanding article.
I am 66 and recently retired.
Beginning my transition at age 55, I was out of the closet at I would say 90% until last week when I came out to my nearly 400 LinkedIn career colleagues, thus truly finishing my exit from the closet. I delayed a full reveal for so many of the reasons you have stated, not the least of which was career and therefore income security. For my last eight years, I was fortunate to work a hybrid mix of 20% in office and 80% from home. When I went into the office or to a job site, I dressed very carefully down into what I called “drab”. Still, I came across as what was once called a metrosexual sort of look.
I know that each of us only has an option to come out and be fully authentic at their own pace, and according to their own rules and risks. I know some in our community look down on me for how long I waited, but I think we should never judge one another, because each of us has completely unique circumstances. Some, like me, have great choices, while others have few to no choices. And too many of us end up dead, if I can be frank. Still, at the root of my divorce back in 2008-2009, I now realize most of the cause that finished a 29 year marriage was me being stuck in the closet and being so frustrated that I ultimately could not function as a supportive spouse and parent. I lost a lot because of this situation. Despite the fact that I had a fulfilling and well-paid succession of job positions, allowing me to retire at age 65, there were still great costs in other areas.
The last thing I want to say is how much I enjoyed your reference to the Indiana Jones scene where the leap of faith onto a previously unseen path, with the protagonist scattering stones over that path, so that others behind him could follow safely and with perhaps less fear and uncertainty, that was just great. I will think of that often and use it myself in references to others, who will follow me in my path.
Living authentically, yes, with the appropriate security levels, that each of us needs to survive, is the best, and where possible it is best shared.
One thing I have seen is that we never know who is watching and who can take value and support from the paths that we share.
As my dad used to say “Everybody’s somebody”. It is ironic then that he never knew he actually had a third daughter.
Hi Lauren, I'm glad you are able to be out, and that you are here. I'll say that whatever path a trans person takes, there's no reason for others to question it. Nine in ten in my generation aren't here, and there's fewer in your generation that have made it to where you are. Anyone looking down on you who is much younger doesn't know what folks your age had to put up with. For many of us, transitioning a lot earlier - 20 or more years - would have been impossible. Not hard, but literally impossible. You deserve grace for your journey and I'm glad you are here!
Much appreciate your kind words of support and I look forward to reading more of your work over time.
hi - i follow you here, and on other socials, and i want to let you know that you are not alone in your experience. i did not 'officially' come out until i was 50. i have older family members who are also trans as well.
i'm 52, so i've only been out and living my happiest life for a short time, but somehow i am considered a 'trans elder' by my younger trans/NB friends who have been out MUCH longer than i have (by dint of having more general life experience, i suppose?) they often come to me for advice and general support, which i am always happy to give.
i enjoy reading your articles, and seeing your posts on the other socials. you seem like an amazing person!
georgia (the nine tail fox)
I have a partial answer why there are not so many trans of our age (50+) from a German point of view.
Yesterday, the (german) society didn't accept trans folk for the few trying to live their live, it's like been a witch in the Middle Age.
Today, the situation is not really better. Half of the trans women are jobless. Accessing medical transition is plenty of hurdles.
The culture of transsexualism (meaning "full" transition aka up to bottom surgery) is still very present.
For whatever deeply embedded reason, I personally embrace this old culture, but I'm against it.
Age 47 here, sort of in coming-out process: Extremely valuable article. Another effect this has on the psychology of Gen X+ folks is the sense that to be trans you must currently be young and hip, or at least hip - using the latest terminology and slang, on the proper social media channels, aware of memes and pop culture trends. I was never the least bit hip or tuned in even when I was young. Everyone says the only way to survive is to "find community" and/or "build community," but I can't seem to qualify for community whether I show up as my agab or the alternative.
(Just to date/nerdify myself further: I think of it like the scene from the musical ANNIE where Mr. Warbucks is presented with Annie, an orphan, and responds "Don't be ridiculous. Orphans are boys, like Oliver Twist." In the same way, "Don't be ridiculous. Trans people are blue-haired 18-year-olds." (Nothing against blue-haired 18-year-olds; I'm simply not one and can't convincingly pretend to be one.))
Hi! I'm a 55 year old trans woman who started HRT last March and who first discovered i was trans after I turned 50.
Thank you so much for this essay. It really speaks to my own experience of self realization and still uncompleted coming out.
I believe it took me 50 years to embrace my transfers because I missed all the clues about who I truly am during my adolescence. When I think back on so many moments in my teens when I just plain felt out of step and wanted so badly to step out of my body, I didn't have any context for what I was truly experiencing.
Like you, this is why I'm so passionate about our need to support trans youth. They should be able to live their full lives. It pisdes me off that they are heing scapegoated and denied the same they need and deserve.
Thank you so much for the response. There's a lot here, but there are ways to find community. It does require being vulnerable, so be aware of that. I completely get it if you aren't in a place to be vulnerable. How I approach community is as a mosaic. There are too few people like me to have my community exclusively be a person like me. So different types of people fill different roles in my need for community. I never feel like there isn't someone in my network that I can go who will completely get it when I need support. With that said, I have had to build a literal web of people so that there is someone in my network who can fully understand the problem I'm looking at.
Thank you for this article. I attempted a medical transition in 1996, had to stop in 1998 and it haunts me to this day. I almost wish my egg hadn't cracked. Every day is like a weird disassociation.
I know a little bit about your story and it sucks what you had to go through and still have to go through.
The missing elder trans
I transitioned after retirement at 59 and a half, and now, at 62, I often find myself as the oldest member in our support groups. Our generation lacked positive representation, and we were acutely aware of the societal forces opposing our authentic selves. In many ways, we are survivors—literally. Some of us are military veterans receiving care through the VA, where support for transgender veterans is available. For instance, the VA has an LGBTQ+ Health Program dedicated to creating a welcoming environment and improving healthcare for all veterans, including transgender individuals. Additionally, organizations like the Transgender American Veterans Association (TAVA) offer resources and support for transgender veterans. It’s heartening to connect with others who share similar experiences, even if we are few in number.