Finding My Voice - Literally (Part 2)

This is part two of "Finding My Voice - Literally). If you haven't yet read part 1, you can read it by clicking here.

So, it's time to start voice training.  My voice trainer is named Joanna and we connected briefly on the phone. I told her that I hadn't done any voice work since coming out. She stated this was good as I would not get into any bad habits. She teaches in her house and has a musical background, which is good for me as I was in choir in high school.

Photo by David Beale on Unsplash

She asks me to think about people that I want to sound like, and to bring something to read so that we can work on it. I tell her the person that came to mind off of the top of my head, Erin Reid, transgender journalist who does a lot on social media. I like her voice. Joanna said that she'd listen to Erin's voice in advance.

I arrive and I'm feeling nervous. We come in and start. She asks me to start reading. I have no idea what to do, so I start reading normally. Yeah, that's not it and she stops me. She tells me that she didn't get a chance to listen to Erin's voice, and I'm starting to wonder what is going on and asking myself why I'm there. Joanna reels this back in. She knew I had familiarity with musical concepts and goes to the keyboard. She hits middle C and asks me to hit that note. It's near the top of my range, but I can hit it without issue. OK - now she wants me to start reading at that pitch. Well, that's tough for me for multiple reasons. The reason that's coming to the forefront is because I used to work in radio. While I was not on air talent - I was a producer - I can't help to think about a radio voice while I am reading copy. A deep, booming voice is absolutely not conducive to what she wanted me to do.

Take two, she tells me to put the copy away and just start talking, while finding middle C for my starting pitch. Now that's much better and it's a reasonable attempt. After I've found this pitch and can start talking this way, she next wants me to work on intonation - varying my pitch as I talk. Here, both the music and radio background help, as I'm used to the concept of adding pitch differences. The next thing she needs me to work on is that I have a tendency to have the pitch of my voice go significantly deeper at the end of a sentence or thought. I'm not sure where I picked that habit up from, but she wants me to think about going up in pitch at the end of a sentence. There is a way to do this without sounding like I'm asking a question that women do all the time. And it goes on like this for a bit. Next thing I know, the hour is up and I'll be coming back in four weeks. She wants me to practice. She wants me to start drinking herbal tea as it's good for the vocal chords as I'm going to be using a different register more.

Now the next phase of this comes into play. Practicing using my new voice. The first couple of days it goes OK, but pretty soon I find that I don't want to practice. I'm feeling very self-conscious. This is more than just not wanting to practice, it feels like I am my own biggest obstacle. That's because I AM my biggest obstacle. Everything in my transition up to this point had felt like I was becoming more of the real me, but this felt different. It felt fake. So much of the old me I longed to throw off, but my voice was not one of those things. This is work and it's exhausting. It feels weird talking differently, especially in my house. I work from home and am on calls much of my days, and it's weird using any other voice in my home. Hmm. I don't think I ever have pictured myself talking differently. I will need to incubate on this for a bit.

My wife hears that I'm not practicing much, especially to her, and I tell her that I feel really weird talking in my new voice with my household. I'm sure my 14 year old is going to give me significant shit and I'm not in a place to be comfortable hearing that. So my wife works this out with my kids that they won't be saying anything about my voice so that I can practice without restraints.

I decide that Erin Reid isn't the best person for me to model my voice after. Almost everything she reads is off of a script, and reading from a script is not how I should be practicing. I need to find people to listen to who have control of their voice, but has a range of inflections and vocal styles. I am a roller coaster enthusiast and have social media accounts in that community and there's another coaster enthusiast in that community who's voice I love. Jessica Gardner (Instagram & TikTok: @themeparkette). Jessica is an actor that I've become friends with through social media. Here’s a link to her IMDB page. So I start listening to a bunch of her content on social media, listening for how she uses her voice so that I can think about how I can sound more like that.

Jessica Gardner on her roller coaster enthusiast page @themeparkette

I go to see my therapist the following week. I update her that I'm using my new voice. She says great - this will be a spot where you can practice without fearing how you are perceived. But I don't want to use it in therapy because I want to ensure all of my mind is on what I'm saying and not used on how I'm saying it. My therapist, deftly knowing there has to be more to it than that, lets it go.

Another week goes by, and I have a breakthrough. I'm watching Jessica Gardner's Instagram stories and that day she's at Disneyland with her brother. On her story all day both her and her brother are talking in this thick, Boston accent. Well, THAT's not going to help my voice training. I message her as I think this would be funny and she tells me that this is how she used to speak growing up in Rhode Island. This is what allows me to see that speaking differently isn't less authentic. She certainly isn't less authentic when she isn't speaking in a thick Boston accent. She's a working actor that can do great things with her voice and uses it as a tool to how she wants to present herself, depending on the situation. So of course, I won't be less authentic if I'm using my voice as a tool to how I want to present myself, depending on the situation. I never get that insight if I don't message her, so thank goodness for internet friends.

As I continue practicing, I want to ensure that I’m more comfortable in speaking in my new voice. There is nothing magical about starting in middle C, and I’d rather not start that high in my register. I can find the A note below middle C much more easily and those three half steps make a huge difference in my comfort as I am practicing and using my new voice.

Let's advance a week with my next therapy session. I come in and my therapist encourages me a lot more to use my more feminine voice in this session. .So, I talk for the first half an hour in my new register. At that point, my voice is getting sore so I say that I'm going to stop.

I ask: "How'd I do? I feel like I had a few moments where I slipped but for the most part I did pretty good."

Therapist: "Did you know that there was a pattern when you lost the voice?"

Me: "Really? What's the pattern?"

Therapist: "When you were talking, it seemed to be that whenever you were wanting to project that you were powerful or if you were recalling something where you didn't feel safe, you drifted to your old voice."

Well dang - that makes me think, and of course it's correct.

Me: "I guess it makes sense. If I'm concerned about safety, I want to go to a more masculine voice." I lot of the baggage I’ve been working through with my therapist is around safety.

Therapist: "Are you aware that today isn't the first time you used a more feminine voice when you've been coming here?"

Me: "Really? I'm not aware of using any other voice."

Therapist: "It was months ago. You were talking about coming out and as you were doing so, your voice sounded like it did earlier today. With no coaching and no practice, that voice has been in you the whole time. In that session, you let your guard down and let your actual authentic voice come out. When you came back two weeks later, you reverted to your old voice and I let it go."

Now that is a mind job. Transitioning is hard. You have to peel through all these layers of yourself and determine what is real and what was learned behavior of your old acting role. A role that was so real, things like the sound of your own voice seem to blend in and be more real than the voice of your true self.