Five Things - My First Summer of Trans Joy
This summer, I loved finally being able to be myself. So I’m continuing my five things series and writing about my first summer of trans joy.
1) Detox - My company has an employee resource group for the queer community, and I've started to get involved. We did a drag event at our company's building in Chicago, and I had a minor role in helping the event come together. The event began with four drag queens participating in a panel discussion. The headliner at the event was two time runner up from RuPaul's Drag Race, Detox. I attended the event with three others from my division. The panel was great and many of the queens were talking about the importance of drag in our society, and how queens have been placed at the forefront of 2SLGBTQIA+ conversations because of right wing politicians. The event had about 100 people in attendance onsite, and 250 people attending when you add in folks viewing the events remotely. That's great for a corporate event like this.
As we get deep into the panel, Detox is giving an answer and something amazing happens. She starts talking about her identity, and it's clear that what she's about to tell us is not public information. She proceeds to tell us that she's transgender. It was so cool that she trusted us with this this information. The panel wrapped up and then each of the queens did one performance, with Detox as the closing queen. They were great, and everyone at the event seemed to have a great time.
After the performance, those in attendance in person had an opportunity to have a cocktail hour, mingle, and get pictures with the queens. I'm talking with a coworker about going up to get a picture with Detox, and she's not sure if she wants to come up. I told her that she'd want to come up, and she didn't have to worry about what she'd say. I thought she'd thank me later for encouraging her to come up with me.
There were only two or three folks ahead of us when we got in line, but folks were queuing up behind us. It's our turn and the two of us go up. My coworker says to Detox "Hi, I'm (her name), and this is my manager Veronica." Think about that for a moment. My company chose to make a statement to support our coworkers in the queer community by having this event and we had Detox, an International celebrity there. That's not something that happens every day. At the same time, Detox was introduced by a coworker to her transgender manager at a Fortune 500 company. That also very much had an impact and is beyond what many would expect. It had such an impact that Detox calls out to the line to those waiting to get pictures "We're going to need a minute."
We started talking and having a private conversation that was very much in public. Two trans women (with a colleague of mine) discussing private things, like our transition paths thus far. I'm going to keep much of the conversation private, but there are two things that I feel okay to share. The first is that Detox hadn't just decided that she was trans. Because so much of her life is public, she wanted to keep this part of her life private for a time. It made complete sense to me. This is a really personal journey for each trans, nonbinary, or gender nonconforming person, so of course you might not want that splashed across Entertainment Weekly until you're ready. I love that different trans people have different needs at different times in their journeys and it's exactly what each of us should do.
As we continued talking, Detox said to me: "I don't know why I didn't realize that I was trans sooner."
We're having this moment of personal discovery together, and I respond by saying: "I first knew that I was trans at two. I didn't know that I was trans until I was forty-eight. Both statements are equally true." Detox light up at that and she agreed wholeheartedly with the statement. We then had an opportunity to get photos and the three of us took some together, and then I had some taken just with Detox.
To put a bow on this, on August twenty-first, Detox publicly came out as trans at the Metro in Chicago. What I find really cool is that our company's event was well before the event at the Metro. Yet everyone in attendance at the event kept that Detox was trans to themselves. Everyone allowed her to publicly share that information when she was ready. I am really proud of everyone caretaking that information appropriately despite having 250 people in attendance. It's such a wonderful sign that I’m at a great place to work.
2. The Prom - In addition to my day job, I'm also the volunteer President of a non-profit Theatre Company primarily focused on children and teens. A year ago, I was really scared to come out to our board. But I came out and it went great. At our first board meeting after I came out, we picked shows for the upcoming season and the board voted unanimously to do The Prom. This is a musical that's based on a true event. In 2011, a girl in Alabama wanted to take her girlfriend to The Prom. Instead of allowing her and her date to attend like any other couple, they canceled The Prom for everyone. It's a great show, and there's a movie adaptation available on Netflix. This was certainly a new direction for our company. For our board to pick this show right after I came out was really special. Their actions showed me that I had their unequivocal support, and that was so meaningful as I neared the announcement of my transition.
So this summer, it was time to put the show on. I had a connection to this show stronger than any other we’ve done, and this is despite producing three previous shows and creating one. I gave a brief speech to our parents and cast as the rehearsals started. Everyone involved in putting this show on by participating in telling this story was speaking for someone who didn't have a voice. I was around this cast quite a bit and it was almost overwhelming in the best ways. The cast was so talented, but it's more than just their talent. I adore them for who they are. They are able to be themselves. This cast gave me more than I could ever give them. A lot more. Every single person in the cast saw me as Veronica. Some of them had known me for years in the before times, but none of them are trying to forget who I presented as before. They only see me as Veronica. It's so refreshing to be around folks who see you and aren't trying to forget who they thought you were. As another of our board members said you me: "You volunteer to give to our performers, but you always get a lot out of that from what they give to you."
It's more than the cast seeing me for who I am though. The show they brought to our stage was the first time I had ever been able to see myself in characters on stage. Yes, I’m the President of a Theatre Company but I had never related to the story like I did in this show. So much of the queer experience has common threads, and there are three powerful things that I saw from our cast bringing this show to life:
a. One of the main students, the character of Emma, symbolized the high school experience that I should have been able to have, as a girl in high school who wanted to take her girlfriend to the prom. I could absolutely see myself in that character. The actor who played this role was so talented and really transported me to this missing part of myself.
b. The other main student role, Alyssa, isn't out. She's knows who she is but she is afraid and is conforming to outside expectations. Well I certainly feel an affinity with THAT character. I played that role for five decades. The actor who played that role had been in the first show I produced before the pandemic. She absolutely nailed the emotional tone of this role.
c. Lastly, there's a big moment at the end of act one that I'm not going to give away. But there was so much commonality with the emotions that one of the main characters felt at this point and with how I felt after an event earlier this year. And the emotion of multiple key roles in that was perfect.
All of this adds up to why I can never repay the cast, staff, volunteers, or our board for allowing us to bring this show to the stage. I saw it four times and it absolutely broke me each of those times in all the best ways. Theatre has the ability to transport you into the story, and that's absolutely what this show did for me. I've fallen in love with theatre all over again. Yes, it's great that I can be a visible example for these teens and young adults and show them that queer people can do anything as the visible trans President of the organization. But I can't possibly begin to repay them for what they all gave me.
3. Dr. Gwen Grinyer - In November as I was readying to come out, I started following Dr. Gwen. She's the first open and out transgender physicist in Canada. Gwen is active on social media to help promote women in STEM (science, technology, engineering, and math) as well as being a voice for transgender and queer people. As another trans woman in a STEM field (I'm the T in that abbreviation too!), she was a fantastic person for me to follow and we began interacting.
Fast forward to early summer, Gwen posts that she'll be in downtown Chicago for one afternoon, that it would be the first time she's visited and that she was looking for recommendations. Of course I responded with places to go. But also, this woman I really looked up to was going to be in Chicago and we'd been chatting online. Could I meet up with her? Michael Jordan said that you miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take, so I might as well take my shot and message her.
Me: "Hi Gwen. You posted that you will be in Chicago. I know that you are trying to do a lot while you're there, and I don't know who you are traveling with. On the off chance that you are available to meet up, let me know please. Even if it's just a quick two minutes at the bean to get a picture."
Gwen: "Hi Veronica! I thought you were from or near Chicago but it's a big place! Yes, I can definitely make it happen and would love to meet up!...I can't wait to meet you IRL!"
Um, HOLY SHIT. Let me make sure I relay the gravity of this to you. Earlier this year, Dr. Gwen Grinyer was named as a Fellow at the Canadian Association of Physicists, the youngest person to ever achieve this honor. Prior to this year, the only women to have received this honor were Nobel winners. She was also appointed to serve as a member of the US Energy and the National Science Foundation Nuclear Science Advisory Committee, the only non-American to be serving in this capacity. And Gwen is excited to meet with me! She was in town for a conference and had an evening free for us to have dinner.
When the night came, we had dinner and a beverage and spoke for over three hours. It was amazing. A lot of the things I was interested in was normal stuff. She's a mom with three kids, so how does she balance that with teaching, her research, and her travels? She wanted to talk a bit about me as well, and I gifted her a pin from the 2SLGBTQIA+ employee resource group at my company. It was wonderful.
There are a few areas that are noteworthy for me to mention about the conversation. Gwen is forty-six. She came out at thirty-five. She's never met a trans woman face to face who has been both older than her and out as long as she has been. Can you imagine achieving greatness in your field and having no one's footsteps to follow? She literally had to blaze her own trail. She lives in a moderately sized area so there are only a few other trans folks that she knows in her area. She doesn’t have much of an opportunity to meet other trans women in STEM fields.
Here's another interesting tidbit. When she was at the conference, she knew quite a few people. But she hadn't seen some of them in fifteen years, before she transitioned and was using the name Gwen. So they had no idea who she was and the only way she could have told them is by outing herself. I had an experience just like this, even though my scale was significantly smaller. Earlier in the summer, I was at a work function and a partner was sponsoring our dinner. In 2023, the partner contact and I were two of only ten people in the world on a global partner advisory council. Late in 2023, the partner hired the contact to work for them and run their partner business. Shortly after this, I stepped off the council for multiple reasons including my transition (I had no desire to walk back into a room of loose associates with a new name early in my transition). So at this dinner, my boss was introducing his team to the partner and he ends by saying "and of course you know Veronica". Immediately I knew he had no idea who I was and I threw him a lifeline: "Actually, I don't think we've met. I'm Veronica." and we shook hands like I wasn't in the same room with him the previous year. For both Gwen and I in these situations, there's no playbook. We end up participating in our own erasure because it's not worth it to out ourselves.
Something tied into that erasure is that there's a reason that Gwen picked that name. She was already published in scientific journals before her 2013 transition. However, the name was listed as "G. Grinyer". All scientists when they are published are listed as first initial followed by last name. Gwen needed to pick a name that started with the same letter as her deadname or she would have been starting all over with her published credits. Today, there is a process to update accreditations when someone transitions, but Gwen was the pioneer figuring this path out. She's good with the name Gwen.
The last area I'll highlight is a topic that I don't think I would have heard from anyone else - tokenism. So often trans people are closed off from opportunities, but if you can break through like Gwen has, the requests can get overwhelming because you'll check so many boxes for people. You'll fill out the six person panel interview because they need a woman and someone from a marginalized community. But if that's the only reason you're being asked - to check boxes so that a tsunami of men can fill other spots, that's not a great reason to participate. Additionally, you already feel the pressure of being someone who can destigmatize an entire class of people for someone, while needing to focus on your primary work. So, she imparted to me a framework for how to think about those requests so that I don't over extend myself unless there's a big payoff. That payoff can be things like personal benefit, or participating in something so that folks coming up behind you have a path to follow. I know that I'll be applying this framework over and over again as I receive future requests.
4. A Night to Dance - As I've progressed in my transition and felt a growing connection with my body, I've been dancing more. Sometimes when a song is on I'll just start dancing. When a song with a good beat comes on while I'm showering, I'll find myself spontaneously dancing and losing track of time. It's been wonderful to feel this growing connection with my body, but it's more than that. Dancing makes me feel sensual in a way that I hadn't felt before. Additionally, as my waist has narrowed in my lower rib cage, it's like there's this fulcrum in my body that allows me to move differently. I can feel this area separating my top and bottom at my new waistline. So I had been thinking about going to a club to dance, which is not something I was seeking out before.
Being new to the scene in the Chicago area, I text a queer friend if she has recommendations for a lesbian bar that my wife and I can go to dance.
The next day, I get this text back: "Hello! So sorry. I've seen this message it's just a long answer but I shall send my thoughts soon."
A day and a half later: "Hello! I have come to answer your question. To answer it, we must discuss the crux of the problem: there really aren't lesbian bars in Chicago that you can dance at. Certain clubs will host lesbian nights, but you either have to go to a generally queer dance bar, a lesbian cocktail bar, or a club that will host a lesbian dance event."
That is absolutely nuts. The greater Chicagoland area has almost ten million people and we can't get one lesbian bar with dancing most nights? Of course I start thinking I should open a club. With that said, my friend compiled a comprehensive list with options in all three of these categories. She was absolutely the best for compiling this list for me.
I came close to going to one of these events during Pride month, but the event sold out before I could get tickets. One of the dance events seemed to be happening once a month, but they started late on a Sunday night. That just didn't seem like a good option.
Finally, I find an event well after Pride month is over and my wife and I are able to go. I get dressed to the nines, and my wife doesn't because that's not her style. We get there way too early. The event is on a Saturday night from 9 PM to 3 AM and we arrive at 9:30. It takes me a bit to settle in and it takes the party a bit to heat up. But after a drink or two, it starts heating up and we make our way to the dance floor. It's difficult for me to put into words just how much I loved this. I'm dancing with the person I love in a killer dress and it's the first time I'm dancing in heels.
After a bit, we sit down for a few. My wife looks over at me and says "You look so happy." That's absolutely how I felt too. The two of us had a blast and we abandon ship only because after being on me feet in heels for three plus hours, my feet were done.
5. The Chicago Pride Parade - This was my first time going to the Chicago Pride Parade and it was my first time attending a Pride Parade as an open and out member of the community. Here are a few observations and notes from the event.
My wife and I don't live in Chicago proper, so we did a combination of driving, taking the L, taking a bus, and walking to get to the parade.
In walking to the event, we passed slews of police officers. After I had a transphobic interaction with an officer on my roller coaster trip with my nephew in May, I don't think I'll ever feel at ease with a slew of officers in one place.
The parade itself was over two hours. It was a slew of fun. It’s so great when you find your people!
What two groups had the biggest applause? It was groups that people who are not queer might not realize are core to queer people. Planned Parenthood and Feminists and LGBTQ+ People for a Free Palestine. The reasons are pretty simple though. Planned Parenthood is a big supporter of the queer community. Many trans folks get their hormone treatment there for example. Why Palestine? There's a genocide going on. No matter your view on the state of Israel, we should be able to stand in opposition to genocide. If you won't stand in opposition to genocide in Palestine, queer folks doubt that you'll stand in opposition here at home. Queer folks are always among the first to be othered by despots looking to gain power with fear. Especially trans folks have already lost their rights in many places in this country. Laws blocking access to gender affirming care for trans youth have been put in place in about half the states. In states that have instituted these laws, they've found there is an increase in suicide attempts by seventy percent among teens thirteen to seventeen. That translates to about 61,500 additional attempts per year for trans teens. Many trans people are of the belief that a trans genocide is already underway in the United States. With those types of numbers, it's hard to argue with them.
